Tool SHed


Comedy is a wide-ranged and somewhat brittle mistress, its just a fact. Traditional comedy requires a joke build up and build up to a punch-line, and with the right amount of build-up and a decent punch-line that doesn’t linger you get a nice laugh. Of course, punch-line are not always required, as seen with shows like Monty Python’s Flying Circus. Jokes can also be hard to sustain, which is one reason why laugh tracks and audience laughter is recorded as it helps people find where the punch-lines are supposed to be. In case I haven’t spelt it out, comedy is complex, and we’re all entitled to our opinions on it. However, there’s nothing funny about the works of Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg. After exiting Date Movie, which was writen and directed by them, I had only one thought: bucket.

Seltzer and Friedberg first appeared in 1996 when they helped write Spy Hard, a film known for being quite weak in the humor department and poorly executed in spite of Leslie Neilsen and Weird Al being involved. Next came Scary Movie, which once again they only helped write. If I felt like being a jerk I’d claim every weak joke in the movie was their fault but the movie was so-so anyhow and you can’t blame 2 out of the 5 writers for it all by themselves. Date Movie, Epic Movie and Meet the Spartans, however, you can.

A few of my friends talked me into seeing Date Movie, and I ended up leaving wishing they’d paid me to watch it. In spite of a few talented comedic talents appearing in the film it still easily earned a place on the list of the worst movies ever. Epic Movie had the same problem, lacking actual jokes or ones that were horribly executed as well as gross-out humor that not even the South Park guys would laugh at. I haven’t seen Meet the Spartans but online reviews seem to indicate it has a similar problem as the previous efforts.

So lets recap. Seltzer and Friedberg have worked on five movies as writers as well as three as directors and have a forth movie, yes a forth movie, which is supposedly going to be a spoof of disaster flicks as its called Disaster Movie. In spite of it all the film’s trailer indicates heavy pop culture references including Iron Man, the Incredible Hulk, Hannah Montana (bucket!), and High School Musical. That right there is a big problem as if you’re going to a spoof try to narrow your scope. The pair’s efforts seem better suited for crude sketch comedy shows than movies as they effectively go, “Hey, this is current. Lets have them show up and then have something weird happen to these current pop culture icons.” This included randomly murdering Paris Hilton and having a bad Owen Wilson impersonator ‘crash’ a wedding.

Just to emphasize how little these people can contribute by a trip I made to Wal-Mart a few weeks ago. A poster was put-up for Meet the Spartans and I asked a random person working there if promoting a bad film was a good idea. Low and behold two days later the poster was gone, not replaced mind you just gone. I can only hope such negative press will make Disaster Movie their last.

~ From Canada, I’m Busterman Zero. Good luck to you, and I recommend avoiding any film in the coming years that has the word Movie in the title.

Hiya folks. I know I haven’t written anything in a while, so I thought I’d start a series on people I just can’t find anything redeeming enough about. These are the people who’s good qualities do not exist in my eyes, period, and I blame pretty much everything I hate about them on them themselves. To start off this Tool Shed series, we have Thien Thanh Thi Nguyen, better known by her stage name of Tila Tequila. I can sum up my thoughts about Tila in one word: bucket *.

Tila got her start as a model and has been frequently considered one of the world’s most attractive Asian women as she was the first to claim ‘prestigeous’ titles like being Playboy’s first Asian Cyber Girl of the Month. She then went on to host videos where women strip to music. Her biggest career boost was MySpace, on which she has nearly two million friends. In 2007 MTV gave her a ‘reality’ show called A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila which was unique because both men and women competed to win the heart of the Asian Playboy model. This is where she started to really piss me off.

See, on Tila Tequila’s show she would constantly utter phrases that implied she had to do something wild and challenging because “She’s Tila Tequila,” implying she’s better than pretty much 90% of the population of the world just because she’s got an ocean-sized collection of MySpace friends (I’m at 800 thousand and counting, watch your back liquor girl) and was Cyber Girl of the month. All aboard the Ego Train, its heading straight for the launchpad that connects to the Ego Shuttle. Now she’s back for a second season. Yes, she thought she was in love with whoever it was that won and apparently only a few months later it was proven not to be the case. Suspicion anyone?

Now probably the most incredibly annoying thing this ‘starlette’ has said was in regard to California allowing same-sex marriages. I won’t go into that whole can of worms on my opinions about gay marriage and what-not, I’ll just attack Tila for her comment. She pretty much tried to take all the credit for the law being passed as she seemed to think her MTV series was the big push the law needed. Yeah, what gay people needed was a bisexual stripper (I have more offensive words than this, but I’m trying to keep it clean) with a fake game show to get a law that activist groups had been working on for years to get passed. That’s like thinking Angelina Jolie showing up in Iraq and telling people to stop war will get people to just do it and start texting each other while blogging much like I am right now. I swear the air is getting too thing in LA or something.

In closing, Tila went from just some random woman you hoped to run into at the Playboy Mansion to, well, the exact same thing, only a lot of people know who she is and she thinks that makes her the Queen of California or something. She’s not, she’s the skidmark on the underwear of society. Thank you for reading, look for more articles like this one in the coming times.

~ Ranting from Canada, I’m Busterman Zero.

* Bucket – whenever I mention this word that means I feel like I’m going to vomit. For the disgusting but somewhat entertaining origin of this line, here’s a link to a video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwwZDRelKNk